Monday, March 24, 2014

Blank Spaces

As family members pick up items which have a sentimental value to them from our house, I find blank spaces left behind and empty spots in my life. I have great peace in sharing with them those special parts of what their Mother left behind.

Filling the blank spaces is easy enough, I have been hanging up in those locations, many of my favorite photographs I have taken over the years. I'm not replacing Mary's items, just filling in the obvious spots where things used to be.

But, filling the empty spots in my life; that's not as easy. Yes, I'm doing things, things for me, no longer for us. As long as I keep Mary close to me - in my heart, my head and my soul, I know she is behind me - supporting my efforts. That also gives me great peace.

So I continue to grieve, heal and move forward as I fill those spaces and spots. But the memories of what used to be there, remain with me where no one can take them away from me.

♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦




Monday, March 17, 2014

Sorting and Sharing

I've said that I live in a 'museum of memories' following the passing of Mary, and it is true. Our lives became so intertwined, that each of our individual possessions became 'ours.' Now that I am alone, there is much left behind, and it is time for me to determine what is the next step.

I am in no way disposing of everything in a moment of rash behavior. It all signifies Mary to me. Realistically, that would be selfish and perhaps even foolish just to toss it all away. Mary and I had some discussion in the last couple of years of what should be done when either of us passes. I followed up on most of her requests: clothes to In The Image and The Women's Resource Center, other items to other charities to be disbursed to those in need.

What is left are all the sentimental items, too many to mention here. Several of which are important to me, but others important to her family. Mary was part of my life for 15 years, but she was a part of her families life for all of her life. Therefore it was not difficult at all to share her personal items with them. It was important for me to do so, and I wanted to. That was comforting to me. So I did. This past weekend, her Sons, Kerry and Brian came over and help me sort though much of what was here in the house. There were no problems with this task, just trying to find some items and figure out how to get the other items to them. And, of course, there was the wholesale disposal of non-essential articles which would be of no use to anyone at all. Others are still hidden, to surface at another time.

Sorting was and will continue to be hard for me. I am keeping those pieces which are too personal and sentimental to me, to cherish, from our loving relationship. Others I will continue to give to her family.

What is the most difficult to bear is the obvious empty spots in the house where items used to be, but now have a home with her family, as it should be. It's just very obvious that something used to be here and there, which is a very visible reminder that Mary is gone in many ways, and a chasm exists where her presence used to be.

The physical spaces will be filled with replacement items, but the empty part of my life can never be filled again.

Material items can be replaced, memories cannot and it is the memories which I cherish the most.

 ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦

Saturday, March 15, 2014

"Life Isn't Worth Living . . . . "

That's what I said sometime following Mary's diagnosis of cancer, realizing the inevitable result. I said that as soon as Mary passed, I would join her by my own hand. I wouldn't want to live without her.

Yet here I am, by myself, step by step, moving forward in life. 

For several weeks following Mary's death, I was not really dealing in reality. Yes, I was alive, but in the minimal sense of the word. I was sort of stumbling forward trying to grasp the fact that the Love of My Life had departed this earth. At least I had some common sense left to not make any major rash decisions, and still being able to deal with the onslaught of all the legal affairs.

I believe I got so caught up in all that stuff, I didn't have the time to even think of what I had said about what I would do after her death. I came to realize the grief of Mary's passing would be intensified by family and friends should I make the cowardly decision to end my own life. 

And so, I realized that my comment about joining Mary soon after she would die, was foolish, said in the turmoil of emotion when thinking about living without her.

I am still here, among the living, and plan to do so until God calls me home to join my Beloved Mary. I'm not planning on accelerating that date by any means, I'll wait until it is my turn.

♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Grieving . . .

"Experts' tell us there are seven steps in grieving, and some say they must follow a logical progression before you are no longer grieving.

BULL!

In my case, it comes and it goes. Some moments I'm fine and at others, I'm not. The steps are not in any particular order, there is no map of this path. I never know when I'll encounter one of these emotions. One thing I've learned in my counseling sessions is that being emotional is a natural state for humans. It can cleanse you. Well I can tell you that I've been having a great deal of cleansing.

Some may look at me and think that there is nothing wrong with me, that I've 'moved on' or 'gotten beyond it.' Nope, the emotions are there, just lurking in the background, lying in wait to ambush me when I'm not expecting it. And there I am in that moment. Outward appearances can be deceiving.

I'm accepting that I will have these emotions over the loss of My Beloved Mary, My Soul-mate and my Best Friend. Even at this moment, it's trying to sneak in. I can't control it, I can only attempt to manage it. It would be nice if I could push a button and have that moment compartmentalized for handling at a more convenient time. No such luck.

I decided that I'm going to grieve in the manner which works for me, and not care one Dang iota about what people think. They are not walking my path. And if they think that I may be acting inappropriately or or not in a grieving manner (like I might be having too much fun); I don't really give a rip. Follow me down my path, you'll see.

So, I am moving in a forward direction, trying to heal (which I know might never happen) and continue to live.

I know that is what Mary would want.

♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦





Thursday, March 6, 2014

A New Path





It's been a while since I posted anything of real substance here. It was over a year ago that I even visited and left behind any keystrokes. But in that year my life changed. The Love of My Life, Mary Radigan, departed this earth to be free from the restraints and frustration of cancer.

I knew this woman for over thirty years, professionally and socially. It was in early 1998 that we got together just for movie dates. By Christmas of that year our friendship became more serious. We found that in many ways we had a lot in common, and a few opposites. But that's what made us a perfect match.

As an example, in the early 70s P.O.W./M.I.A. Bracelets were being distributed and worn to remember the missing soldiers of Vietnam. When we started dating, I happened to notice one of those bracelets in a display case at Mary's house. A bell went off in my head and when I went home I dug out my bracelet. They were the same!


Later on, I noticed a carved lion sculpture in her house. 'DING' went a bell again. Yup, we both had similar items.





At this point we both became aware of how much we really had in common. Our friendship had grown into a serious relationship. Consequently on Labor Day of 2001 I proposed to Mary at Buckingham Fountain in Chicago's Grant Park. We planned to get married in 2002.





Eleven days later, the World Trade Center and the United States were attacked by terrorists. We both realized that we were no longer 'spring chickens' and why wait to get married. One month later we were Husband and Wife.





Our lives as a couple formally began on October 21, 2001. We had a wonderful time together, sharing our thoughts, political comments, humor (mostly on my part), and much traveling to mention just a few of many happy times.

Then it all changed. Mary had a strange growth on her body which was biopsied. On the morning of August 31, 2011 Mary received a phone call from the Dermatologist asking her to come into his office as soon as possible. We became worried about the call. As a result of the consultation, the world about us fell into a deep, dark pit of despair. She had been diagnosed with Angiosarcoma, an extremely rare form of cancer of the soft tissue (blood vessels). It was so rare that no known treatment was in place. It is not known where it comes from. U of M prescribed standard cancer treatment for the disease.

Our lives changed at that point as you might imagine. We became focused on 'slaying this dragon' and started rounds of chemo and radiation treatments as well as two years of endless medical appointments.

 In October 2012, Mary had a 'popping' sensation in her left hand. Diagnosis of torn tendons was made and surgery followed in November. She had to wear a device on her hand which I called a crossbow, it was so similar. I was doing what I could to make the situation laughable in spite of all she was experiencing.

In 2013 things seemed to be looking up. Following several checkups at the University of Michigan's Cancer Treatment Center, her reports indicated she was 'stable,' not in remission, but the dragon was held in abeyance. However, Mary had been having increasing pain in her back and we thought that perhaps the cancer had spread. You can imagine our relief when it was discovered that one of the vertebrae in her spine was the issue. Back surgery was recommended, which would be her third operation of this kind.

In July 2013 surgery was performed followed with appropriate in-patient rehab. On July 24th she came home feeling better than she had any time previously. The situation appeared to be improving. Despite having to use a walker to navigate and all the pain meds prescribed, Mary's attitude was in a much more positive mode. We started to make plans to travel again and to resume our lives together after a medical hiatus.

However, this was not to be. After an appointment at the VA Clinic, Wednesday September 4th, I came home to find her on the floor in the bedroom. She was unable to move. When the paramedics arrived they said that she had a stroke and rushed her to the hospital. The medical staff told me that she was rapidly deteriorating and to call the family.

Two days later, Friday, September 6th at 1:45 p.m. Mary passed from this pain-filled life into a state free from all the physical shackles of this earth.

My loving partnership was over. I was devastated more than I had ever experienced before. I had lost my anchor, my stability in life, a relationship which could never be replaced. She was a woman and loving companion with whom I had such a partnership, more intense than anytime else in my lifetime.

And now, six months later, here I am, still missing her more than words can ever describe. I move forward, albeit sorrowful, but yet in remembrance of all the fantastic time we were together. There remains an emptiness which can never be filled, but I continue down the road of life with Mary with me in my heart and my soul.

I fill my life now with activities to help me continue a positive journey in this life, knowing full well that we will be together in another life.

I am grateful that I have the excellent support of my Daughter, Sarah, and my two Stepsons, Kerry and Brian, my best friend, John Sicard; as well as a superior group of friends who stand by me encouraging my growth. Thank you all for this support and stability you've been supplying to me.

As I end this tribute to a warm, loving, intellectual and fun-filled life with Mary, my very best friend, life partner, soul-mate and loving companion; I move forward in very small increments attempting to put my life back together as best I can without the woman I love so dearly.





I intend to continue this blog describing my journey down this path, with all it's trials and tribulations, but mostly documenting life as it happens.

Thank you for reading my soul.

Mike Hale




About Me

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A retired former public relations practitioner, radio broadcaster, professional photographer, electronics geek and a Vietnam Vet.