"Life Isn't Worth Living . . . . "

That's what I said sometime following Mary's diagnosis of cancer, realizing the inevitable result. I said that as soon as Mary passed, I would join her by my own hand. I wouldn't want to live without her.

Yet here I am, by myself, step by step, moving forward in life. 

For several weeks following Mary's death, I was not really dealing in reality. Yes, I was alive, but in the minimal sense of the word. I was sort of stumbling forward trying to grasp the fact that the Love of My Life had departed this earth. At least I had some common sense left to not make any major rash decisions, and still being able to deal with the onslaught of all the legal affairs.

I believe I got so caught up in all that stuff, I didn't have the time to even think of what I had said about what I would do after her death. I came to realize the grief of Mary's passing would be intensified by family and friends should I make the cowardly decision to end my own life. 

And so, I realized that my comment about joining Mary soon after she would die, was foolish, said in the turmoil of emotion when thinking about living without her.

I am still here, among the living, and plan to do so until God calls me home to join my Beloved Mary. I'm not planning on accelerating that date by any means, I'll wait until it is my turn.

♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦